My time in New Zealand started with sharing an island off the French Pass with other creatives at A Bit More Soul. I find it really hard to put in to words just what this experience offered me. My goal after A Bit More Soul is to write a few more personal blog posts. I guess this is my first attempt:
For one moment standing on that island I realised everything I was trying to fix on the mainland was fixed. For a moment I could breathe and feel pure joy. For a moment there was no doubt, no ‘not quite fitting in’, no moments where I felt I needed to be doing more, that I needed to BE more, no moments of guilt or feeling selfish, no feelings of what I should and shouldn’t be saying and whether the plans for now and the plans for my future were all silly pursuits that would never eventuate. For a moment I was just me and for the first time being me was absolutely ok. I feel close to tears now thinking about that brief realisation. It has been over a week and while I have tried to desperately hold on to that feeling I know with that tightness just below my chest, with the thoughts that can not be slowed down and with the heaviness of real life slowly swimming back in that that feeling is lost. I am back to being not quite me, back to trying to work out how I fit in and who I am letting down and how I am always feeling never quite good enough. Here I sit in actual tears now mourning that feeling when I didn’t feel lost.